Auto Mechancic vs. Cardiologist

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Dodge SRT-4 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in the shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the SRT. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in and, when I finish it works just like new. So how is it I make only $39,000 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, $1.6 million, when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic “Try doing it with the engine running.”

What's That Noise?

A fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.”

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. “How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?” the man asks himself. “I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day,” the man tells himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. The man is convinced this is a bad saw. “The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer,” the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem.

The dealer, baffled by the man’s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, “Hmm, it looks fine.”

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, “What’s that noise?”

An Atheist in the Woods

An atheist was walking through the woods.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You denied my existence for all these years, so why do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

""Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed and the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive..."

Memory

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?" he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that. Do you want to write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he ambles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where’s my toast?"

An Irish Toast

Guy:   Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead.
Girl:   What's that mean?
Guy:  It's an Irish toast.
Girl:   Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon.
Guy:  Huh?
Girl:   That's French toast.

Reserved Parking

Mike was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Mike looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Apropos of Nothing

If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!

No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have “s” n it?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?…Raise my hand.

OK…so what’s the speed of dark?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Just remember—if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Bonus Truth: A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.