Kid's Words of Wisdom

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

The Importance of Keeping It Simple

Management was investigating a complaint that a consumer had bought a soap box that was empty. They isolated the problem to the assembly line. Somehow one soap box went through the assembly line empty.Management asked engineers to solve the problem.

At a huge cost, the engineers devised an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors, manned by two people, to watch all the soap boxes passing through the line to make sure they were not empty.

But a long serving and lowly ranked ‘practical’ employee devised a much simpler solution. He pointed an industrial electric fan at the assembly line. As the soap boxes passed the fan it blew the empty boxes out of the line!

Journalistic Truth

A man is riding his bike past the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to eat her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The man jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl. The man brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has witnessed the whole scene and tells the man, "Sir, that was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really" replies the man. "The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page."

The following morning, the man buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the first page: BIKER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

Stress Reducing Exercise

At this stressful time of year, remember to get the proper amount of rest and exercise. To assist we are including an easy-to-do exercise you can do in between tax returns.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sac k in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Going to Heaven?

Father Murphy is greeting parishioners as they enter the church by asking, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The first man says, "I do, Father."

The priest says, "Then come in, my son." He greets the second man the same way, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," is the man’s reply.

"Then enter, my son"’ says the priest.

Then comes O’Toole's time to enter and the priest asks, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O’Toole replies, "No, I don’t Father."

The priest is flabbergasted, "I don’t believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?"

O’Toole says relieved, "Oh, when I die, yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

You Can't Fool Mom

A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancee, and you have to try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch to chat with his mother. After a few minutes, he pulls her aside and says, “Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”

She immediately replies, “The redhead in the middle.”

“That’s amazing! You’re right, how did you know the love of my life was Amy the redhead?”

The mother folds her arms across her chest and says, “I don’t like her.”

True Quick Responses

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Optimists vs. Pessimists

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive. For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.  His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.  Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.  Instead of sinking, however, the dog walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“Yes, I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “He can’t swim.”

Taking a Little Trip

A man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

“Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!”