Bad News

A father passing by his son’s bedroom is astonished to see the bed nicely made and everything picked up. When he spots an envelope propped up on the pillow addressed to Dad, he fears the worst.

With trepidation, he opens the envelope with trembling hands and reads the letter.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and our age difference. But it’ s not only the passion…Stacy's pregnant.

But don't worry. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She has a trailer in the woods, a stack of firewood for the whole winter and a pig we can slaughter to feed us and her three other children. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has also opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for some spending money for her cigarettes and antibiotics.

Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, your son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.

Two Carrots

Two carrots are walking down the road when a huge truck slams into one of them. An ambulance is called and they rush the little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately goes into hours of surgery.

Finally the doctor emerges and approaches the other carrot who had been anxiously pacing in the waiting room. “Tell me Doc, how is he?”

The doctor replies, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is he’s going to live. The bad news is we’re pretty sure he’s going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

D Client

Bill commented to his client, “Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had ten customers like you.”

“Gosh, it’s nice to hear that, but I’m kind of surprised,” admitted Smith. “You know that I argue every bill and always pay late.”

Bill responded, “I’d still like ten customers like you. The problem is I have fifty.”

Inheritance

A teacher poses the following problem to his class:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Pauly raises his hand and says, “A lawyer?”

Speeding Ticket

A police officer stops a young woman for speeding and asks her very nicely if he can see her license.

She replies in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and today you expect me to show it to you!”

Changing Priorities

To celebrate his 75th birthday, a man went out fishing.

Out of nowhere, he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.” He looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He assumed he had drifted off and dreamed the voice when heard it again. “Pick me up.”

He looked in the water and there, sitting on a lily pad, was a frog. “Are you talking to me?”

The frog croaked, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!”

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

“What, are you nuts?” protested the frog. “Didn’t you hear what I said? Kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.”

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

Dinner Disaster

A couple trying to break into society hosts a dinner party.

As the guests are enjoying their dinner salad, the maid calls the hostess from the table. The maid informs her that the cat has climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's mid-section.

The hostess decides to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage, and serve it anyway.

As the guests are enjoying the fish, the maid again calls the hostess into the kitchen and announces while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead."

The hostess and her husband inform the guests and suggest it might be best if everyone goes to the hospital and has their stomachs pumped.

Returning home, the couple ask the maid where she had put the cat.

"It's still out on the road where the car ran over it."

Simple Operation

An orderly stopped a man running down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.''"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."

Mad Cows

Two cows were talking in the field.

One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"

The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"

Refrigerator Man

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator!''

''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. 'Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''

''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''

Delinquents

A policeman brings four boys before a judge. "They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he says.

"Boys," says the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."

"My name is George," says the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Pete," says the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Mike," says the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Peanuts," says the fourth boy.

Eager to Impress the Boss

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "This is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Lonely Frog

A lonely frog consults his personal psychic advisor for relationship advice. The psychic tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

Alligator Shoes

A young woman was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, she shouts, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the young woman turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the woman flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Baby Turtle

A little turtle begins to slowly climb a tree. After long hours of great effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs frantically, until he crashes heavily into the ground. After recovering consciousness he starts to climb the tree again, jumps once more, but again crashes to the ground. The little turtle does this again and again, while all the time his heroic efforts are being watched with sadness by a pair of birds perched on a nearby branch.

Finally, one says to the other, “Dear, don’t you think it’s time to tell Tommy he's adopted?”

An Elephant's Memory

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled over and kicked it clear across the river.

“What did you do that for?” asked a passing giraffe.

"I recognized that turtle as the same one that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago.”

“Wow, what a memory” commented the giraffe.

“Yes,” said the elephant, “turtle recall.”

Most Attractive

While reading the newspaper, Walter read that a beautiful actress and model had married a boxer with a history of DUIs and public disorderliness.

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear!"

Seeing Eye Dog

A man goes into a bar with his dog and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"

Without missing a beat, the man replies, "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry. Here-the first one's on me."

Another man is just coming in with his dog and sees how the first man has fared. He lets his dog lead him to the bar and he also asks for a drink.

The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"I don't think so," the bartender says, "They don't have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"